My computer has been a thorn in my side, hence my lack of real posts. I’ve had several lessons post comp. They all went well, naturally, since I danced so well for my level. We’ve gone over things and I decided I’m going to focus on the American 9 dances. This seems to be the best thing to do considering the amount of lessons I can take and my budget overall. My Rhythm needs some work since I’ve spent so many lessons on Smooth. Also, all that sexiness is not natural… at all… especially with a man I’m not married to and my teacher to boot. I’m envious of the ladies who just get out on the floor and shake it. Most of my fellow students even claim that Rhythm dances are more natural for them! I have no words for this, only envy. This is not the truth for me. Foxtrot is my happy place.
Other than my computer issues, I’ve been a bit introspective since Comp. Comps bring out some stress and that leads to questions. Questions such as “Why do I do this to myself?” That leads to more thoughts on the benefits of dance for me. The healing that I’ve done that only comes from dance. Specifically, I’ve been thinking about the power of touch.
I’m a nurse. I see the power of touch while I’m at work. I’m the giver of it. I hold hands with patients to give them strength. I rub backs. I give my coworkers hugs when we’re all having a bad day (hugging didn’t happen before dance). Yet I never knew how much I needed the reverse – to be the receiver of touch.
All my adult life I’ve struggled with my weight. I’m currently at the heaviest I’ve ever been (not including pregnancy). Since I wasn’t fat as a teenager and through part of my 20’s, I can see the difference of how people treat you. There is a true fat stigma out there. My personality really takes this hard. If it were just about eating less or exercising more, do you think I’d be like this? I look in the mirror and see the disgusted faces of those who look at me. I’m disgusted by me. I’m gross. I sweat. I have rolls. I’m squishy. I jiggle. The media tells me that I should be proud of my body. Now I feel worse because I’m NOT proud of mine. I’m disgusting.
I’ve always wanted to dance. I couldn’t walk into a studio because I’m disgusting. What if my teacher was grossed out by me? He has to TOUCH me. What if I sweat? What if he notices my back fat?
Little did I know that walking into a dance studio was exactly what I needed. I’m greeted with smiles, hugs, and air kisses by EVERYONE, not just my teacher. They touch my sweat and my rolls and aren’t grossed out by it. My teacher feels accomplished when I end my lesson a sweaty mess and he still gives me a cheek kiss goodbye. He’s never, in two years, hesitated to take my hand or hug me when I’m having a hard time. Today, I can look in the mirror and not feel gross. I see the happy faces that greet me at the studio. I’ve been truly healed by the power of touch.
To end I’m going to post a picture of me at comp. It’s only my back, but I’m not quite ready to put me out there.