WARNING: This is a short post that is essentially one long whine.
This weekend is the biannual competition amongst studios (5 of them represented). I thought that I would be fine missing it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to compete because of money – money to enter and money for lessons to make me better than last time. I was wrong. All I’m getting are some pictures and video from my Facebook friends and I’m completely emotional and slightly crazy. The monster of jealousy that others are dancing and rage at my circumstances has reared its ugly head.
Right now my dancing is at that in between state. One of the village wrote about the layers of dancing. After November I was feeling like I didn’t suck as a dancer. Now I’m to the next layer of onion and it’s all crap. I’ve been doing tango promenade position all wrong this entire time, everyone! And just forget Rhythm dances. I’m drowning in technique. I’m not picking it up very quickly and we spend sooooo much time reviewing what I should already know. Then I watch all my dance studio friends on FB and how beautiful they are. We were all at the same level in November and now I’m behind them. I’m proud of them and at the same time so jealous. I’m jealous that they have the time and resources to dance when I don’t. Every time I see a picture I like it with my stomach in my throat.
Finance wise, my next lesson in a check up lesson. That means I get hit up for another lesson package. Seeing all that money on the page, even when it’s broken up into monthly payments, makes me want to vomit. It’s gone so far that I’m halfheartedly thinking about what kind of freelance work I could do to help pay for lessons. (Prostitution is a no go.) This is where the rage comes in. Rage that I can’t change what I’ve got. Even if I came into a fortune, I still only have so much time to devote to dance.
I don’t know why it feels so much better to put all these awful feelings down on paper and share it with the entire internet, but it really does.